One good thing that came out of this very emotional week was my resolve to finally make this happen. By this, I mean this personal blog. I've been wanting to blog since college, but I never got around to it. I always had an excuse for putting it off:
First, what would I write about? I couldn't decide which direction to take. Was it health and fitness? No, it couldn't be. I'm not too healthy, and I don't know too much about fitness. Could it be Catholicism? I'm no expert, and there are far better resources out there for it. Lifestyle? Nah, too many lifestyle bloggers who are great at what they do already. What if what I write won't be relatable? Should I just focus on music? What if I'm too scattered? I JUST COULDN'T DECIDE.
Second, will people read what I have to say? I was overly anxious about my audience. Who would they be? What would they think? If I wrote about something controversial, what if someone attacked me and I wouldn't be ready to defend myself and my ideas? My opinions? Am I even a good writer? What if my grammar is off?
Third, what would my family think? I've also been overly concerned about the opinion of those closest to me. Will they think I'm doing this for attention? Will they think it's boring and cheesy? Will they be supportive, or will they just laugh about it?
Fourth, what if it isn't "big" or unique enough? I wanted to commit to something big, contribute to changing the world somehow, write about important things, make money out of the site, get 1,000,000 readers, write something viral, etc. etc. etc. you know the drill.
My sister helped me realize that all of these barriers that have kept this project (and many others) from happening have always been in my head, and have been the result of my huge ass ego. I don't mean this to be a public confession, but it's true - I've put too many things off for fear of looking stupid in front of people, especially my family. I've put off recording covers because of my pride, I've set aside business ideas because I was afraid of failure, I had the hardest time looking for a job when I graduated because I was overly conscious about my reputation.
My pride has kept me from pursuing projects and dreams. There have been so many unfulfilled brainstorming sessions because I couldn't take the first step. My ego is the reason I always say that I'm more of a dreamer, rather than a doer. But, like I said in my first ever public essay:
I AM DONE. Done with my pride, done with my ego, done with letting opportunities slip through my fingers because I'm afraid of failure.
Starting this blog, and writing about the things that matter to me are the first steps in a big SCREW YOU to my ego. This whole "protecting my reputation" mentality has been the reason for my stagnation in the past couple of months. My ideas and my mind have been on a constant lull because of my fear to take the first step. And I know if I go on like this, I fear I'm going to end up a miserable old lady, filled with regret.
Today, I'm deciding to finally proceed with my life: to take back my life from the hands of idleness and fear, and to finally make the first step in bringing my life Onward & Upward.
Welcome to my blog!